HERE IS HOW TO ACTUALLY BE ONE:
OutLaw has guidelines for all those who wish to attend our events and share our space. We believe these following guidelines will help make our community more safe and friendly for all folks. We also keep our instagram pages active in sharing education and opportunities to learn.
Please know that you should not request or expect people from marginalized groups to provide you with an education. We are constantly being asked to do this sort of emotional labor. Please do not turn to your LGBTQ+ peer and ask, "what is the right answer here?" However, we recognize that people are arriving within this group at different levels of social awareness. As such, we recommend the following steps to maximize your effort in being a great ally:
Overall, being an ally is a lot of work, and it never stops. Saying that you are an ally is much easier than being a good ally. But we need you and your work is critical to our progress. So let's get started.
ALLYSHIP IN GENERAL:
A good ally recognizes that though they are not a member of a marginalized group(s) they support, they make a concerted effort to better understand the struggle. Because an ally might have more privilege (and recognizes said privilege), they are powerful voices alongside marginalized ones.
What does privilege mean?
You’re likely to underestimate how bad the problem is by default because you are never personally exposed to that specific problem.
What privilege does NOT mean: You are rich, you have had it easy or have never had to struggle or work hard.
On a deeper level, it is also important to recognize that belonging to one marginalized group does not absolve you of your privilege in other ways. We all need to take the steps to challenge our biases, even if we belong to one or several minorities groups. Do not discount the experiences of others.
Understand that you don't have to understand.
You don’t need to understand everything about your someone’s identity, interest, or lifestyle to make them feel appreciated, respected, and safe in your presence. Being an ally doesn’t necessarily that you 100% understand what it feels like to be oppressed either. It means you are taking on the struggle as your own.
"Discomfort" VS "unsafe":
Marginalized groups are often told that there is a difference between situations that make us feel uncomfortable and ones that make us feel unsafe. We are warned that there is a true "danger zone" in a conversation, but the boundary is never clearly defined. This is extremely dangerous, because people are left with the understanding that only in clearly unsafe situations should one act. This is not the case. Even in situations where an LGBTQ person feels "only uncomfortable," this can lead to harmful results over time that make them feel completely alienated from others.
Example: It is one thing to read a case regarding the transgender military ban, that is learning about a case. It is entirely different and dangerous to allow students to debate on whether trans people should be allowed in the military. The latter is completely inappropriate and allows transphobia into the classroom.
Take a stand.
When you hear another person say something microaggressive or making an offensive comment, voice your concern about the impact of such comments on your work or school culture. Emphasize what was negative about the comment while also doing your best to de-escalate the situation.
Issues in the classroom:
Because classes can touch into sensitive topics, incidents in the classroom can happen that make students feel alienated and upset. Here are some possible courses of action we recommend:
Many of those who want to be allies are scared of making missteps that get them labeled as “-ist” or “-ic” (racist, sexist, transphobic, homophobic, etc). As an ally, you too are affected by a system of oppression, meaning there is much to unlearn and learn— mistakes are expected. As an ally, you will need to be willing to own your mistakes and be proactive in your education. If you decide to become an ally, but refuse to acknowledge that your words and actions are laced with oppression, you’re setting up yourself to fail. You will be complicit in the oppression of those you purport to help. Know that if you choose not to heed this, you wield far more power than someone who is outwardly “-ist” or “-ic” because you are, essentially, a wolf in sheep’s clothing. Just as society will not change overnight, neither will you.
HOW TO HANDLE MISTAKES
Imagine your privilege is a heavy boot that keeps you from feeling when you’re stepping on someone’s feet or they’re stepping on yours, while oppressed people have only sandals. “Ouch! You’re stepping on my toes!” How do you react? Because we can think more clearly about stepping on someone’s literal toes than we usually do when it comes to oppression, the problems with many common responses are obvious:
In reality, most of us naturally know the right way to react when we step on someone’s toes, and we can use that to help us learn how to react when we commit microaggressions:
It can be as easy as listening and saying: I’m sorry. I didn’t see. I didn’t listen. I’m working to see and listen now.
"I am scared to say the wrong thing at this point so I would rather not engage at all."
Understandable, but this is not an excuse to not engage and challenge yourself. In the rising of "cancel / call out" culture, we get that it can be intimidating to enter a space you are so unfamiliar with. But if you are deliberately avoiding engaging with certain groups of folks because of this, you are being complicit with a society that has intentionally outcasted us. We aren't looking to correct you or get upset at you. In fact, we will probably be forgiving if you recognize your mistakes and try to be better.
"Why are there spaces specifically for certain groups and not me? This is excluding me, and I thought your group has historically asked for inclusivity?"
In integrated spaces, patterns of heteronormative cisgender dominance are inevitable, even when people are doing the work of examining their privilege. These patterns dictate who speaks, how loud, when, the words we use, what we don’t say, what is ignored, who is validated and who is not. Unless we are actively and persistently dismantling these constructs, we are abiding by them. In integrated spaces (where we are less likely to be ourselves given the divisions that white dominance has created), we fall into the roles society has assigned us. A queer person of color may often be the only one in the room, and it can be exhausting to “code switch” to fit in. This is about the basic human need to feel that we belong.
In these spaces, we can share stories about the discrimination we’ve faced, and find understanding and support. We can define ourselves on our own terms. When heterosexual cisgender white people are present, this crucial examining usually doesn’t happen. Sharing our experiences in integrated spaces often means preparing to defend our anger and frustration, or taking care of individuals who find what is being said hurtful. There will always be other opportunities for you to engage with us, but please respect the space that we request.
"I do not want to speak up because it will affect my career or professional reputation."
With that thought in mind, please read through the following statistics about being LGBTQ+ in the United States:
(Content Warning: Transphobia, Homophobia, Suicide.)
LGBTQ people often cover or downplay aspects of their authentic selves in order to avoid discrimination or for their own personal safety. When you say that you are scared or do not want to risk anything, please think about these statistics and reconsider. We need your help. Your allyship is needed to make our collective environment a safe place — and it very well could make a world of difference to your LGBTQ-identifying peer.
"Why don't I have any LGBTQ+ or POC friends?"
Although LGBTQ+ people make up only about 5% of the population, it is unlikely that you have never had the opportunity to befriend someone from our community. The fact that your community is mostly white, straight, and cisgender is not by accident. Do your work, get real, look at the places you’ve been avoiding. Think back to the interactions you have had with LGBTQ+ or POC folks. Did your conduct make them distrust you in some way? Are you over-friendly and over-sharing in the work that you do to overcome your biases? Are you pandering to us and feeding us information you think we will like instead of authentically sharing connections with us? We aren't all the same. Although queers and POC are often known for being liberal, we still have different values and principles. Keep this in mind as you engage with us.
Example: I often remember a moment when I had just met someone who told me that they did work in marriage equality initiatives even though it was not related to the conversation at hand. I had just told them that I would be kayaking with my queer partner. I remember feeling confused at why they brought that up, and there was this long awkward pause before I shared that I was personally never going to exercise my right to marry, which lead to even more awkwardness. I left the interaction feeling like the person was unauthentically trying to gain my trust over the work they did in marriage equality initiatives.
BEING AN ALLY TO LGBTQ+:
“I do not understand what all these terms mean or which ones to use!”
Well, luckily for you, GLAAD has created an ally-friendly guide to terminology as well as a glossary of terms. These resources are likely the most up-to-date information available.
Note: Some folks in the LGBTQ+ community self-identify with terms such as f*ggot and dyke. If you do not identify as LGBTQ+, please refrain from using these terms as they still may be offensive to other queer people.
**You are NOT an ally to the LGBTQ+ community unless you are an ally to trans people.**
There is a lot to know about trans allyship specifically, so we encourage you to spend some extra time in this area. This pflag guide is a great place to start. We also strongly recommend that you attend the Opt In series of Trans and LGBTQ+ Allyship Training happening in Fall semester.
Some important things to highlight:
Deadnaming:
Deadnaming is when you use a transgender person’s previous or birth-given name. Don't ask a transgender person what their "real name" is. For some transgender people, being associated with their birth name is a tremendous source of anxiety, or it is simply a part of their life they wish to leave behind. Respect the name a transgender person is currently using. If you happen to know the name someone was given at birth but no longer uses, don't share it without the person's explicit permission. Similarly, don't share photos of someone from before their transition, unless you have their permission.
Best practice is that you never assume any details about your someone's personal life.
There is no such thing as preferred pronouns. They are not preferred, they are the chosen and correct identifiers for a person.
Everyone should get into the best practice of stating their pronouns without being asked.
Every time you introduce yourself, especially to a large group of people, please practice the habit of stating your pronouns right after you state your name. Ex: “Hi, my name is Rachel and I use she/her pronouns."
Why? Queer folks often feel like they are the only ones sharing their pronouns in the room, which makes us feel singled out. We feel that this practice will inevitably become standard as the use of pronouns becomes more normalized anyways.
"What if I just met an older white attorney?"
We understand that the legal community was, and largely still is, cisgender straight white men, many of who will probably feel extremely disconnected from you if you ask for pronouns. Make a judgment call when it is pretty obvious that someone is not in tune with pronoun usage.
"What if I mess up someone's pronouns or chosen name?"
Even queer people mess up from time to time! From a young age, we are incredibly socialized to tolerate only binary genders.
"I am having a hard time just blurting out gendered terms."
Practice speaking slowly and pausing to think before speaking. It will take active work and time.
“They/them should only be used as a plural.”
Merraim-Webster Dictionary has officially recognized that “they” has been in consistent use as a singular pronoun since the late 1300s; that the development of singular they mirrors the development of the singular you from the plural you, yet we don’t complain that singular you is ungrammatical; and that regardless of what detractors say, nearly everyone uses the singular they in casual conversation and often in formal writing.
Merraim-Webster also states and recognizes “they” as a nonbinary identifier: “They” is taking on a new use, however: as a pronoun of choice for someone who doesn’t identify as either male or female. This is a different use than the traditional singular they, which is used to refer to a person whose gender isn’t known or isn’t important in the context, as in the example above. The new use of they is direct, and it is for a person whose gender is known, but who does not identify as male or female. If I were introducing a friend who preferred to use the pronoun they, I would say, “This is my friend, Jay. I met them at work.” (Source: https://www.merriam-webster.com/words-at-play/singular-nonbinary-they)
Identities and names can change.
If someone has introduced themself as a different name or identity, please respect their chosen name and pronouns.
Coming Out:
There is no one coming out story, we are coming out all the time. Please do not assume that an individual has come out to everyone in their life, and especially be mindful of this in the workplace or classroom. Be careful about confidentiality, disclosure, and "outing." Some LGBTQ+ people feel comfortable disclosing their gender history, sexual orientation and gender identity and some do not. This is personal information and it is up to them to share it with others. Do not casually share this information, speculate, or gossip about a person you know or think is LGBTQ+. Not only is this an invasion of privacy, it also can have negative consequences in a world that is very intolerant of gender diversity. LGBTQ+ people can lose jobs, housing, friends, or even their lives when other people find out. Also understand there is a difference between "coming out" as lesbian, gay, or bisexual and "coming out" as transgender.
"Can/should I attend Pride? Can I go to gay bars?"
You will absolutely be welcome at Pride and queer bars as long as you are mindful that the space you are in is meant to uplift and draw attention to LGBTQ+ folks.
"I want to go to a drag show!"
Great! A few things:
This page was created by OutLaw. Most of this content was compiled from collective ideas from LGBTQ+ peers, our own life experiences and various resources and articles such as guidetoallyship.com and pflag guides. If you feel as though information is incorrect or information should be added to this page, please email us at [email protected] or submit an anonymous comment here.
Please know that you should not request or expect people from marginalized groups to provide you with an education. We are constantly being asked to do this sort of emotional labor. Please do not turn to your LGBTQ+ peer and ask, "what is the right answer here?" However, we recognize that people are arriving within this group at different levels of social awareness. As such, we recommend the following steps to maximize your effort in being a great ally:
- Read this page, thoroughly.
Engage with the information. Challenge yourself at every step.
Note: The following guide is written primarily about being a good ally to LGBTQ+ people. We mention allyship concerning other groups of folks but it is in no way comprehensive. Please take the time to be a good ally to other groups as well. - Make sure you are actually listening to us and be mindful of how much space you are taking up.
Pretty self explanatory. Listen to LGBTQ+ folks speak about the issues we face and focus on amplifying our voices, not talking over them. - Do your homework. Google is free, educate yourself beyond the scope of what is presented here.
Do the inner work to figure out a way to acknowledge how you participate in oppressive systems. Do the outer work and figure out how to help change the oppressive systems. Research LGBTQ+ history and current events. Check out our Resources page to see appropriate organizations who are dedicated to LGBTQ+ interests. - Hang out with us.
Show up to our events, especially the ones we specifically ask you to attend. This includes opportunities to further develop your allyship training, as well as moments where we need a strong showing of support for an LGBTQ+ issue. We don't want to see just queer folks at allyship educational events. Be visibly helpful by sitting in on meetings, participating in events, suggesting collaborations, volunteering or helping organize LGBTQ+ initiatives. ***PLEASE ATTEND THE OPT IN I: BEYOND THE BASICS - TRANS LEGAL ISSUES 201 FEATURING TRYSTAN REESE! EVENT INFO IS IN OUR EVENTS TAB!****
- As a last resort, if there are still terms or concepts that you need clarification on, please respectfully ask one of our board members or an LGBTQ+ friend.
Start off the conversation by acknowledging that it is not their role to teach you, but that you would appreciate being able to ask a reliable source. Always offer to have the conversation at a different time, as some days we just do not feel like taking the burden of teaching or showing you. Remember: One LGBTQ+ person is not the spokesperson for the entire community.
Overall, being an ally is a lot of work, and it never stops. Saying that you are an ally is much easier than being a good ally. But we need you and your work is critical to our progress. So let's get started.
ALLYSHIP IN GENERAL:
A good ally recognizes that though they are not a member of a marginalized group(s) they support, they make a concerted effort to better understand the struggle. Because an ally might have more privilege (and recognizes said privilege), they are powerful voices alongside marginalized ones.
What does privilege mean?
You’re likely to underestimate how bad the problem is by default because you are never personally exposed to that specific problem.
What privilege does NOT mean: You are rich, you have had it easy or have never had to struggle or work hard.
On a deeper level, it is also important to recognize that belonging to one marginalized group does not absolve you of your privilege in other ways. We all need to take the steps to challenge our biases, even if we belong to one or several minorities groups. Do not discount the experiences of others.
Understand that you don't have to understand.
You don’t need to understand everything about your someone’s identity, interest, or lifestyle to make them feel appreciated, respected, and safe in your presence. Being an ally doesn’t necessarily that you 100% understand what it feels like to be oppressed either. It means you are taking on the struggle as your own.
"Discomfort" VS "unsafe":
Marginalized groups are often told that there is a difference between situations that make us feel uncomfortable and ones that make us feel unsafe. We are warned that there is a true "danger zone" in a conversation, but the boundary is never clearly defined. This is extremely dangerous, because people are left with the understanding that only in clearly unsafe situations should one act. This is not the case. Even in situations where an LGBTQ person feels "only uncomfortable," this can lead to harmful results over time that make them feel completely alienated from others.
Example: It is one thing to read a case regarding the transgender military ban, that is learning about a case. It is entirely different and dangerous to allow students to debate on whether trans people should be allowed in the military. The latter is completely inappropriate and allows transphobia into the classroom.
Take a stand.
When you hear another person say something microaggressive or making an offensive comment, voice your concern about the impact of such comments on your work or school culture. Emphasize what was negative about the comment while also doing your best to de-escalate the situation.
Issues in the classroom:
Because classes can touch into sensitive topics, incidents in the classroom can happen that make students feel alienated and upset. Here are some possible courses of action we recommend:
- Report a Bias Incident here.
You can do this as the person who was directly involved or as a witness. If you are an ally, please strongly consider reporting serious incidents in the classroom but as a courtesy, we generally recommend speaking to the students who were involved first. Your report will go to a committee who decides on the appropriate course of action, so this step may be one of the more important ones because it can build a record. - Take your concerns to the appropriate people:
Associate Dean Libby Davis (email: [email protected]): request to meet with her to report faculty or students who are engaging in problematic behavior and she may offer further solutions.
Associate Dean John Parry (email: [email protected]) is also the Dean of Faculty, and can bring important information to faculty.
Professor Tom Buchele (email: [email protected]) is the Chair of the Law School's Diversity Equity and Inclusion Committee.
Mark Figueroa (email: [email protected]) is the new L&C Dean of Diversity and Inclusion and the Title IX Coordinator. - Go to a Diversity, Equity and Inclusion meeting to voice your concerns:
They have committee meetings every 3 weeks and all group members are welcome. Please email Lydia to be added to the list serv in order to be notified of upcoming meetings (email: [email protected]). - Affinity groups can help:
Sometimes reporting and going through an administrative process can be tiresome. We are here to act as a representative for any or all of your concerns.
Many of those who want to be allies are scared of making missteps that get them labeled as “-ist” or “-ic” (racist, sexist, transphobic, homophobic, etc). As an ally, you too are affected by a system of oppression, meaning there is much to unlearn and learn— mistakes are expected. As an ally, you will need to be willing to own your mistakes and be proactive in your education. If you decide to become an ally, but refuse to acknowledge that your words and actions are laced with oppression, you’re setting up yourself to fail. You will be complicit in the oppression of those you purport to help. Know that if you choose not to heed this, you wield far more power than someone who is outwardly “-ist” or “-ic” because you are, essentially, a wolf in sheep’s clothing. Just as society will not change overnight, neither will you.
HOW TO HANDLE MISTAKES
Imagine your privilege is a heavy boot that keeps you from feeling when you’re stepping on someone’s feet or they’re stepping on yours, while oppressed people have only sandals. “Ouch! You’re stepping on my toes!” How do you react? Because we can think more clearly about stepping on someone’s literal toes than we usually do when it comes to oppression, the problems with many common responses are obvious:
- Centering yourself: “I can’t believe you think I’m a toe-stepper! I’m a good person!”
- Denial that others’ experiences are different from your own: “I don’t mind when people step on my toes.”
- Derailing: “Some people don’t even have toes, why aren’t we talking about them instead?”
- Refusal to center the impacted: “All toes matter!”
- Tone policing: “I’d move my foot if you’d ask me more nicely.”
- Denial that the problem is fixable: “Toes getting stepped on is a fact of life. You’ll be better off when you accept that.”
- Victim blaming: “You shouldn’t have been walking around people with boots!”
- Withdrawing: “I thought you wanted my help, but I guess not. I’ll just go home.”
In reality, most of us naturally know the right way to react when we step on someone’s toes, and we can use that to help us learn how to react when we commit microaggressions:
- Center the impacted: “Are you okay?” Listen to their response and learn.
- Apologize for the impact, even though you didn’t intend it: “I’m sorry.”
- Stop the instance: move your foot.
- Stop the pattern: be careful where you step in the future.
- When it comes to oppression, we want to actually change the “footwear” to get rid of privilege and oppression (sneakers for all!), but metaphors can only stretch so far.
It can be as easy as listening and saying: I’m sorry. I didn’t see. I didn’t listen. I’m working to see and listen now.
"I am scared to say the wrong thing at this point so I would rather not engage at all."
Understandable, but this is not an excuse to not engage and challenge yourself. In the rising of "cancel / call out" culture, we get that it can be intimidating to enter a space you are so unfamiliar with. But if you are deliberately avoiding engaging with certain groups of folks because of this, you are being complicit with a society that has intentionally outcasted us. We aren't looking to correct you or get upset at you. In fact, we will probably be forgiving if you recognize your mistakes and try to be better.
"Why are there spaces specifically for certain groups and not me? This is excluding me, and I thought your group has historically asked for inclusivity?"
In integrated spaces, patterns of heteronormative cisgender dominance are inevitable, even when people are doing the work of examining their privilege. These patterns dictate who speaks, how loud, when, the words we use, what we don’t say, what is ignored, who is validated and who is not. Unless we are actively and persistently dismantling these constructs, we are abiding by them. In integrated spaces (where we are less likely to be ourselves given the divisions that white dominance has created), we fall into the roles society has assigned us. A queer person of color may often be the only one in the room, and it can be exhausting to “code switch” to fit in. This is about the basic human need to feel that we belong.
In these spaces, we can share stories about the discrimination we’ve faced, and find understanding and support. We can define ourselves on our own terms. When heterosexual cisgender white people are present, this crucial examining usually doesn’t happen. Sharing our experiences in integrated spaces often means preparing to defend our anger and frustration, or taking care of individuals who find what is being said hurtful. There will always be other opportunities for you to engage with us, but please respect the space that we request.
"I do not want to speak up because it will affect my career or professional reputation."
With that thought in mind, please read through the following statistics about being LGBTQ+ in the United States:
(Content Warning: Transphobia, Homophobia, Suicide.)
- 92% of LGBTQ youth say they hear negative messages about being LGBTQ; 70% hear this from elected leaders. The top sources are school, the Internet and their peers.
- 4 out of 10 LGBTQ youth say the community in which they are in is not accepting of LGBTQ people.
- About 1 in every 5 LGBTQ adult has experienced workplace discrimination. The number is higher for LGBTQ people of color (32%) and transgender employees (80%).
- Almost half of LGBTQ workers are closeted in the workplace.
- About 1 in every 5 LGBTQ adult is houseless. 40% of all houseless youth are LGBTQ.
- LGBTQ individuals account for 30% of all suicides while making up only 4.5% of the population. 40% of trans folks attempt suicide at least once in their life.
- LGBTQ people, especially transgender folks and even moreso for those of color, are the most commonly targeted victims of violent hate crimes.
- The majority of states (31) have no state law or policy banning or restricting conversion therapy.
LGBTQ people often cover or downplay aspects of their authentic selves in order to avoid discrimination or for their own personal safety. When you say that you are scared or do not want to risk anything, please think about these statistics and reconsider. We need your help. Your allyship is needed to make our collective environment a safe place — and it very well could make a world of difference to your LGBTQ-identifying peer.
"Why don't I have any LGBTQ+ or POC friends?"
Although LGBTQ+ people make up only about 5% of the population, it is unlikely that you have never had the opportunity to befriend someone from our community. The fact that your community is mostly white, straight, and cisgender is not by accident. Do your work, get real, look at the places you’ve been avoiding. Think back to the interactions you have had with LGBTQ+ or POC folks. Did your conduct make them distrust you in some way? Are you over-friendly and over-sharing in the work that you do to overcome your biases? Are you pandering to us and feeding us information you think we will like instead of authentically sharing connections with us? We aren't all the same. Although queers and POC are often known for being liberal, we still have different values and principles. Keep this in mind as you engage with us.
Example: I often remember a moment when I had just met someone who told me that they did work in marriage equality initiatives even though it was not related to the conversation at hand. I had just told them that I would be kayaking with my queer partner. I remember feeling confused at why they brought that up, and there was this long awkward pause before I shared that I was personally never going to exercise my right to marry, which lead to even more awkwardness. I left the interaction feeling like the person was unauthentically trying to gain my trust over the work they did in marriage equality initiatives.
BEING AN ALLY TO LGBTQ+:
“I do not understand what all these terms mean or which ones to use!”
Well, luckily for you, GLAAD has created an ally-friendly guide to terminology as well as a glossary of terms. These resources are likely the most up-to-date information available.
Note: Some folks in the LGBTQ+ community self-identify with terms such as f*ggot and dyke. If you do not identify as LGBTQ+, please refrain from using these terms as they still may be offensive to other queer people.
**You are NOT an ally to the LGBTQ+ community unless you are an ally to trans people.**
There is a lot to know about trans allyship specifically, so we encourage you to spend some extra time in this area. This pflag guide is a great place to start. We also strongly recommend that you attend the Opt In series of Trans and LGBTQ+ Allyship Training happening in Fall semester.
Some important things to highlight:
- We do not tolerate transphobia in any way, shape or form and you should not either. Trans women are women. Trans men are men.
- Support all-gender public restrooms & let transgender folks use the bathroom they choose. This should not be up for discussion.
- Don't ask about a transgender person's genitals, surgical status, or sex life. It would be inappropriate to ask a non-transgender, or cisgender, person about the appearance or status of their genitals. It is equally inappropriate to ask a transgender person those questions. Don't ask if a transgender person has had "the surgery" or if they are "pre-op" or "post-op." If a transgender person wants to talk to you about such matters, they will bring it up.
- Avoid backhanded compliments and "helpful" tips. While you may intend to be supportive, comments like the following can be hurtful or even insulting: "I would have never known you were transgender. You look so handsome.” or "You look just like a real woman. You're so brave." or "Have you considered a voice coach?
- Understand there is no "right" or "wrong" way to transition, and that it is different for every person. Some transgender people access medical care like hormones and surgeries as part of their transition to align their bodies with their gender identity. Some transgender people want their authentic gender identity to be recognized without hormones or surgery. Some transgender people cannot access medical care, hormones, and/or surgeries due to a lack of financial resources or access to healthcare. A transgender person's identity is not dependent on medical procedures or their physicality. Accept that if someone tells you they are transgender, they are.
Deadnaming:
Deadnaming is when you use a transgender person’s previous or birth-given name. Don't ask a transgender person what their "real name" is. For some transgender people, being associated with their birth name is a tremendous source of anxiety, or it is simply a part of their life they wish to leave behind. Respect the name a transgender person is currently using. If you happen to know the name someone was given at birth but no longer uses, don't share it without the person's explicit permission. Similarly, don't share photos of someone from before their transition, unless you have their permission.
Best practice is that you never assume any details about your someone's personal life.
- If you do not know someone's gender identity, DO use they/them pronouns as a default. Ex: "I just met someone named Maria, and they are really interested in being an immigration lawyer."
- If you choose to refer to somebody's honorifics, DO use "Mx." as the gender neutral term. It is pronounced "mix."
- DO use "folks" or "all" when referring to a group of people.
- DO NOT automatically use gendered nouns such as “boyfriend” or “wife” when asking questions while trying to learn more about someone’s partner.
- DO NOT she/her pronouns automatically when you see a femme person, and he/him for a masculine person.
- AVOID binary terms in general, such as sir or ma'am.
- DO NOT speak about reproductive health and pregnancy with women-only terms. There are folks who are able to be pregnant and do not identify as a women.
There is no such thing as preferred pronouns. They are not preferred, they are the chosen and correct identifiers for a person.
Everyone should get into the best practice of stating their pronouns without being asked.
Every time you introduce yourself, especially to a large group of people, please practice the habit of stating your pronouns right after you state your name. Ex: “Hi, my name is Rachel and I use she/her pronouns."
Why? Queer folks often feel like they are the only ones sharing their pronouns in the room, which makes us feel singled out. We feel that this practice will inevitably become standard as the use of pronouns becomes more normalized anyways.
"What if I just met an older white attorney?"
We understand that the legal community was, and largely still is, cisgender straight white men, many of who will probably feel extremely disconnected from you if you ask for pronouns. Make a judgment call when it is pretty obvious that someone is not in tune with pronoun usage.
"What if I mess up someone's pronouns or chosen name?"
Even queer people mess up from time to time! From a young age, we are incredibly socialized to tolerate only binary genders.
- DO correct yourself or thank someone for correcting you.
- DO apologize promptly and proceed with the conversation.
- DO NOT go on an apology parade that makes the situation about you: "Oh my gosh! I am so sorry, wow. I never normally mess up pronouns and I just got so used to your previous pronouns so it's been really hard to switch my habits..."
- DO NOT use previous pronouns or names when that person is not around.
- DO NOT ignore someone who has messed up. Correct them politely.
"I am having a hard time just blurting out gendered terms."
Practice speaking slowly and pausing to think before speaking. It will take active work and time.
“They/them should only be used as a plural.”
Merraim-Webster Dictionary has officially recognized that “they” has been in consistent use as a singular pronoun since the late 1300s; that the development of singular they mirrors the development of the singular you from the plural you, yet we don’t complain that singular you is ungrammatical; and that regardless of what detractors say, nearly everyone uses the singular they in casual conversation and often in formal writing.
Merraim-Webster also states and recognizes “they” as a nonbinary identifier: “They” is taking on a new use, however: as a pronoun of choice for someone who doesn’t identify as either male or female. This is a different use than the traditional singular they, which is used to refer to a person whose gender isn’t known or isn’t important in the context, as in the example above. The new use of they is direct, and it is for a person whose gender is known, but who does not identify as male or female. If I were introducing a friend who preferred to use the pronoun they, I would say, “This is my friend, Jay. I met them at work.” (Source: https://www.merriam-webster.com/words-at-play/singular-nonbinary-they)
Identities and names can change.
If someone has introduced themself as a different name or identity, please respect their chosen name and pronouns.
Coming Out:
There is no one coming out story, we are coming out all the time. Please do not assume that an individual has come out to everyone in their life, and especially be mindful of this in the workplace or classroom. Be careful about confidentiality, disclosure, and "outing." Some LGBTQ+ people feel comfortable disclosing their gender history, sexual orientation and gender identity and some do not. This is personal information and it is up to them to share it with others. Do not casually share this information, speculate, or gossip about a person you know or think is LGBTQ+. Not only is this an invasion of privacy, it also can have negative consequences in a world that is very intolerant of gender diversity. LGBTQ+ people can lose jobs, housing, friends, or even their lives when other people find out. Also understand there is a difference between "coming out" as lesbian, gay, or bisexual and "coming out" as transgender.
"Can/should I attend Pride? Can I go to gay bars?"
You will absolutely be welcome at Pride and queer bars as long as you are mindful that the space you are in is meant to uplift and draw attention to LGBTQ+ folks.
- DO more than just show up to Pride: make a conscious effort to support queer-owned businesses during Pride month and throughout your lifetime.
- DO NOT be offended or surprised if queer folks show interest in you.
- DO NOT use the space for your own needs and treat it like a party. Yes, there is celebrating, but center yourself around the awareness that the LGBTQ+ community is working on.
- DO NOT purchase rainbow-themed whatevers from corporations who are profiting off Pride and queer folks.
"I want to go to a drag show!"
Great! A few things:
- Do not ever touch the performers, go on the stage, or interrupt the performance in any way.
- Know they might approach you for theatrical purposes.
- Bring cash and plenty of it. Be generous as this may be the performers' only source of income.
- Drag shows can be provocative as they are usually challenging norms and accepted behavior. Not all are this way, but know that some may be graphic with displays of nudity.
- Do not bring anyone unless you know they can follow these rules.
This page was created by OutLaw. Most of this content was compiled from collective ideas from LGBTQ+ peers, our own life experiences and various resources and articles such as guidetoallyship.com and pflag guides. If you feel as though information is incorrect or information should be added to this page, please email us at [email protected] or submit an anonymous comment here.